Overcoming Self-Doubt: 5 Steps to Quiet Your Inner Critic
You know how teachers like to lie and say that “there’s no such thing as a stupid question?” Yeah, I’ve fallen for that, and it’s left me with a memory, forever seared into my mind.
All it takes is one “stupid” question and the snickering of your classmates to vow that you’ll never raise your hand again. Ever.
I remember the day I first equated math to “I’m gonna throw up” vibes. It was in my 5th grade math class, and we were playing a flashcard game. Whoever answered the flashcard first got to sit, while the one who got it wrong moved on to compete against the next classmate.
I went through the entire classroom, desk by desk, row by row.
My face was tomato red, my body wishing for the powers of teleportation, but instead I was left standing in the heat of shame.
I don’t remember much from that day besides feeling too stupid to do what seemed like a simple math exercise. From that moment on, I called myself stupid, I stopped raising my hand, even if I had a question or insight I wanted to share. Every classroom or boardroom I walked into, I made sure to sit farthest from the teacher or boss. I worked hard to make myself invisible, silently praying I wouldn’t get called on.
This shame grew into a multitude of fears, what I’ve dubbed ‘Emilie’s onion of fear’ cause y’know, layers. Fear of public speaking, being judged, being ignorant, not being enough, and being misunderstood. I became the shy girl, using my shyness as a shield to protect myself from any more embarrassing situations. After all, if you don’t say anything, you can’t be embarrassed by what you said, right?
I ended up feeling too stupid to try anything new in my life.
I never gave myself a chance.
I never allowed myself to be a beginner at something.
I’m not sure if I was born with an inner critic or if it was created out of difficult and uncomfortable situations, compounded over time. I can’t say for certain if everyone has an inner critic, or if it’s something that is passed down through families. I can only speak from my own experience, and my inner critic has been berating me for as long as I can remember.
If you also have an inner critic, I’m happy to tell you that it doesn’t have to be so loud and it doesn’t have to be in control. Here are 5 ways to quiet your inner critic:
1. Recognize your Critic.
The next time you catch yourself talking negatively to yourself, take a moment to pause and observe your inner critic. Grab a pen and paper (or your journal) and reflect on the following questions:
- What was your day like?
- What were you thinking about when you got home or just before you started being critical of yourself?
- Did someone say something to you?
- Did something in your home environment trigger you? (A mess, some dirty dishes, an unfinished task).
Bringing awareness to your inner critic is an important step because it allows you to pause the negative self-talk and choose a different, more compassionate way to approach the situation. It also helps you to identify what triggered the negative self-talk in the first place. You may start to recognize repeating triggers.
2. Put on your friend hat.
When you notice yourself being too critical and using negative language to describe yourself, take a moment to pause and ask yourself: “Would I talk to a friend this way if they made the same mistake or were in a similar situation?” Hopefully the answer is no! Use this opportunity to practice talking to yourself the way you would to a close friend. Changing the way I talk to myself has had a huge impact on my self-confidence.
3. Sign up for a class on a topic you’ve always wanted to explore.
This could be an online course, or something more informal like a writing group, book club, or joining a Facebook group. This will help you step out of your comfort zone, which can boost your confidence.
And when your inner critic starts it’s usual spiel, remember to put on your friend hat!
4. Cue your environment.
Set up visual cues in your room, on your phone, and in your workspace. Writing down words of support and encouragement may seem small, but they can have a big impact on your subconscious. Place them in areas where you’ll see them daily. I have some on my mirror, which always brings a smile to my face. Damn right mirror, I AM awesome!
5. Reframe Your Story.
For this exercise, I suggest typing it up so that you can print it and post it somewhere you can see it/read it often. You can even take a photo of what you write and set it as your background on your phone or laptop. You can do this for any of your inner critic’s stories (also known as limiting beliefs).
Here’s an example of how I’ve reframed my story about feeling too stupid:
“I used to feel too stupid to share my ideas, thoughts, and opinions. I used to feel too stupid to bother learning or trying out new things. Now, I know better. I know these are just old stories based on past experiences and fears. Every day, I find ways to remind myself of all the wonderful things I’ve done and accomplished. I have the power within me to create a new story for myself.”
After years of battling self-doubt, I’m now giving myself the opportunity to pursue my passion for learning and embrace being a beginner.
